Downsizing

Memo to: Solar System Demigod

From: Earth Demigod

Date: Terrestrial date 14 January 2003

Subject: Terrestrial New Year Review: Albert Shendelman

Today he decided to improve his diet and begin an exercise program. I wish I had a nickel for every middle-aged guy turning over a new leaf.

That was the main resolution. Four minors were included, but I'm not sure what judgement to make on these, because they weren't witnessed. The diet-and-exercise promise was made in his wife's presence, so I've made official record of it. Please advise whether consequences for abandonment of resolutions are revised for the New Terrestrial Millennium. If no revisions have been made, I shall proceed with consequences upon relinquishment, which I expect will occur within twenty full rotations of Earth. Since, on average, the same resolution is now being violated by several million of the planet's inhabitants annually, I plan for consequences to be moderate, perhaps his son stealing a radio or sweater.

The four minor resolutions articulated in isolation, in no particular order (mostly because one is as dumb as the next), were:

1. Stop biting cuticles

2. Treat people of other races with more respect (this one kills me — he could be tagged for ten racial slurs every day)

3. Tell his kids he loves them more often

4. Drink light beer instead of regular beer

He intimated something about karate lessons, too. I would prefer to erase this notion completely from his mind, with your permission. It would ease my workload considerably, as I've completed only two-thirds of reports for the Western Hemisphere and none for the Eastern. (Wait until you hear about some of the resolutions in the Middle East. They sure haven't changed much on that planet, besides posture.)

Albert's best act this year: donating a pair of roller skates to an orphanage. I know, it's not exactly grand philanthropy, but you get the people you get. His worst: stealing said pair of roller skates from a department store before actually donating them. I feel compelled to report his most foolish act of the year also. Traveling abroad, he bought an expensive pair of sandals and forgot to apply sunscreen to his feet, resulting in a deep red rectangular sunburn on each instep. What a scream.

Only one other thing. He's been trying to seduce a younger lady in his office, despite her obvious dissuasion. I'm not sure whether to pass this off as mid-life crisis, so I'll withhold consequences until he acts more deliberately, then give him a bladder infection or the like. You have more effective ideas, probably.

P.S. Having been made aware of your abhorrence toward them, I have included no semi-colons in this report. I apologize for the "litter" of them which you said marred my last memo. I trust the comment regarding my ancestry was made in jest.

Memo to: Milky Way Demigod

From: Solar System Demigod

Subject: Evaluation of Earth Demigod's New Year's Reviews

My dear Galaxial Demigod,

I hope things are rolling along splendidly in your neck of the woods. I have completed my estimation of Earth Demigod's evaluations. He has been somewhat tardy in His Eastern Hemisphere work, but sufficiently thorough in appraising inhabitants of the Western Hemisphere. I should like to recommend several stylistic improvements to Him, with your approval. Though simplicity has its place, I find He has a substantial ways to go with respect to continuity, clarity of assertion, and, in particular, consistency and cohesion. Congruity, too, is lacking.

Further, I suggest to you that His evaluations of females are appreciably more sympathetic than of males. I mean not to say that, by and large, females have not behaved in a fashion more meritorious of sympathies during the course of this Terrestrial year (and every other), however a wavering standard seems to be in operation here, perhaps through unconscious bias. In examining His submission, I have borne in mind that He has only occupied this position for a short period.

I have adjusted His evaluations where appropriate, the result of which hopefully is a more evenhanded distribution of punishment and reward. For instance — and with regard to my earlier point — He gave a twelve-year-old boy eight months of uncontainable acne for the relatively modest transgression of stealing a pack of baseball cards. A girl of comparable age, early in the Terrestrial year, concocted a scheme whose goal was to have her friend, and superior competitor among the boys at school, expelled for cheating on a mathematics test. Her penalty was a mere blister on the left heel. While a blister is indeed one of numerous minor irritations that have the ability to madden humans, I do not believe I am speaking indecorously in saying that these two punishments have been authored according to variable standards. To be didactic a moment: If we are not consonant in our punishments, our rewards our meaningless.

Another example of the aforementioned inconsistent apportioning of punishments is of particular concern to me, for I believe it may indicate too close an unconscious lingering adherence to human instinct and rationale. A twenty-nine-year-old inhabitant from one of the northeastern United States, a man named Garrett Valenti, adopted as his personal catch phrase, "Can't keep a good man down" for the balance of last Terrestrial Year, beginning around the middle of February. As you will recall, it is not uncommon for humans to discover an attractive phrase and come to employ it ad nauseum, despite its potential to grate on the nerves of others. Indeed, to the extreme irritation of nearly everyone acquainted with him, Mr. Valenti cleaved to the phrase all year, showing no discrimination whatever in its usage. In one instance he answered the question, "How are your kids?" by saying, "Can't keep a good man down!" It is my opinion that humans fall easily to this excess of specific usage in part because it allows them to avoid the effort of creativity. However, I feel the punishment given by Earth Demigod represents an act of petty displacement — that is, during His time on earth, Earth Demigod was a rather inelegant speaker and generally inept writer (which accounts largely for the artless style of His reports), and His regret at not having been more eloquent during His time on earth is manifesting in unfairly harsh punishments for those who display a graceful use of language.

Garrett Valenti, whose appearance was found to be quite charming by a majority of those he encountered, became bald within the first thirty rotations of Earth beginning Earth date 1 January 2003. I am not sure anything can be done to redress the case of poor Mr. Valenti, for an unaccountable reversal of baldness may be more distressing than the initial onset of it; however, it behooves us to implement certain regulations that ought to prevent punishment of this random and passionate type.

P.S. I wish to reiterate my request for responsibility of additional solar systems. As no life exists on any of this system's planets other than Earth (a situation that, as you are aware, has remained unchanged for three-and-a-half billion years, and is not likely to change anytime soon), I feel that I am merely signing off on Earth Demigod's reports. I am appreciative of the privileges that distinguish my position from His — the complimentary passes to the Goddess Lounge, for example — however a broader supervisory area would be more commensurate, I believe, with my value to the galaxy.

Memo to: Local Cluster Demigod

From: Milky Way Demigod

Subject: Evaluation of Solar System Demigod

Finally finished slogging through Mr. Bombastic's report. Loves words, that one. Never mind that His memos could be done in half the space. I realize the guy was a renowned poet on Earth, but could you maybe ask Him to key it down a notch? I admit, it's an excellent challenge trying to sift through all the crap to pick out the few relevant points, but encouraging Him to write to the point would make my job easier.

I do agree with Him about Earth Demigod. Still behaving like a human. I know it takes time, but baldness for overuse of a phrase? What are we going to do next, murder the first born of all those who split infinitives?

Back to Solar System Demigod — He's got some decent ideas, but, between you and me, I get the sense He's on a bit of a power trip. God complex, if you will. For example, He surpassed His quota of UFO appearances this year by quite a number. What's the point? I happen to think five hundred is more than enough appearances per year to keep them wondering. He sent seven hundred sixty-two. There's such a thing as a budget. (Of those seven hundred sixty-two, nearly six hundred were observed, and about two hundred ninety reported--mostly in the Midwestern United States, with an incredible preponderance in Utah. One resident built a giant contraption in her backyard that was supposed to contact aliens. It collapsed and mashed her Chevy instead. Were we this funny when we were humans?) That kind of abuse of one's responsibility is going to make religious fanatics of the whole planet.

In conclusion, while I'm not encouraging relieving anyone of His duties before He's had a chance to prove Himself, let me just mention that I know of a guy in Colombia with maybe two years left on Earth who I think would make a good candidate for Demigod nomination. At the moment he's a cocaine trafficker, but he knows how to get things done, and his organization is watertight. If you think it's a good idea, I'll send an order to give him a coronary or something to accelerate the process. We've all busted our humps to get where we are, I realize that, and again, I'm not suggesting dismissing anyone without a fair trial. Just that I believe some are cut out to be Demigods and some aren't.

P.S. I've got some vacation time coming to me, and I'm pretty keen to go visit Andromeda (the galaxy, not the Goddess — ha!). Could you recommend a slow period when I wouldn't miss much? I was thinking maybe the Terrestrial month of July. As you know, the only other place in the galaxy harboring life at the moment is that planet in M31 which is still cooling, and at the moment there's nothing more advanced there than a paramecium, so we won't have to worry about implementing a recognition and reward program for several million years.

Memo to: God

From: Local Cluster Demigod

Subject: Milky Way Demigod Review

Dear God:

Thanks for allowing me a little extra time to get this in. As you know, my workload this time of year is daunting. If I'd known how much work was in store at this level, I'd never have lobbied so hard for those promotions!

Rather than bombard you with reviews of all Galaxial Demigods under my direction at once, I'll submit them as they're completed, starting with this one. I have few changes to my last review. Milky Way Demigod continues to perform at an acceptable, while not eye-popping, level, and with the exception of a jaded attitude and a tone of sarcasm that underlies all His reports, He shows promise. He should be well positioned to assume supervision of a cluster in one hundred to two hundred thousand years. Regarding immediate developmental needs, responsibility of a few hundred additional galaxies might afford Him some valuable experience. It might also curtail His breaks, which are too frequent and too long. You didn't hear me call Him lazy, but a little nudge from the top might be warranted.

Let's find some time for a chat soon; I feel as though we only see each other in passing nowadays. I'm busy, you're busy — it's the way things are, I suppose. Seems like yesterday I was in my first meeting with you. There you were, all wrinkles and flowing hair, cracking jokes, hinting not so subtly about the vacancy that would be available when you eventually decided to step down. By the way, I've heard rumblings about you considering this. Is there something I should know? I don't want to sound paranoid, but I do hope you'd tell me if you were considering such a move. I'd like to think I'm the top candidate to replace you — not that I'm wishing it. Others have been asking, that's all.

Anyway, I'd better get back to those evaluations, otherwise you're going to think I spend all my time ruminating and not doing any work!

P.S. I'm attaching a great joke I heard about polytheism.

Memo to: All Demigods

From: God

Subject: Organizational Restructuring

Because each of you has done such an outstanding job in your area, this is difficult to report. Please understand that all decisions are made with an eye toward the future.

Since we opened twelve billion years ago, our operation has continued to expand at a staggering rate. This growth brings with it positive and negative repercussions. During certain periods we believed expansion could be controlled. Instead the rate has increased, and our unchecked growth now requires us to streamline operations top to bottom.

First, we will be progressively abolishing all planets that have no chance for breeding life, or which, like Mars, have gone through the cycle previously but are no longer appropriate vessels. Of particular note to the Solar System, we will also be removing enough hydrogen from the Earth's sun, and all other solar-mass stars, to accelerate its death, so that it will become a red giant, and ultimately a white dwarf, in a little less than one million years. All remaining planets will be combined to form one system, which is as yet unnamed. Remaining employees will be invited to submit names for the new system, which will serve as the flagship for our revised infrastructure. The winner will receive free admission to the Trellis Supernova.

An unfortunate consequence of this shift will be the elimination of the Solar System Demigod role, since its sole attendant responsibility henceforth would be to observe Earth, which Earth Demigod is of course already doing.

All galaxies of similar type will be consolidated as well. That is, all spirals, ellipticals, and irregularities will operate within unified divisions. I have been advised by an outside efficiency expert that this will prove a substantial cost-effective move. Unfortunately, it also means the elimination of certain positions. I regret to inform Milky Way Demigod that all ellipticals will hence fall under the supervision of Galaxy P24 Demigod, who holds the longest tenure among the Galaxial Demis. Similarly, the Local, Virgo and Coma clusters will be absorbed into the Perseus supercluster, where growth cycles are a specialization. Therefore, I must also regretfully do away with the position of Local Cluster Demigod, since the Local Cluster itself will be no more.

I realize these changes may seem harsh and sudden, but they arise out of powerful evidence that we are grossly overstaffed at the Demi level. A vast majority of the space available to us is not being used at all; for the most part, it is only collecting dust.

Rather than accepting severance packages, I encourage all of you to seek positions under Demigods of the remaining planets. For example, many sharp minds will be needed for an enormous upcoming initiative named Project Clean Up, whose aim will be to devise a method of eliminating all the debris still left from our initial groundbreaking.

All changes are effective immediately.

P.S. I apologize for the informal nature of this memo, however there were over eight hundred million to send out.

Winners' Anthology, Canadian Authors Association Short Story Contest 2001 

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I.J. Schecter
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© I.J. Schecter 2003