Talking the Talk

Like any other self-contained society, the gym has its own particular set of rules. When you first enter the fitness world, you're naive about these rules, and for a few weeks you occupy, without being aware of it, the ignominious role of "that guy who never wipes down the bench," "that girl who never puts her aerobic mat back at the end of the class,," or, worse, "that weirdo who forgets his locker combination every Friday." Eventually you learn the tenets of the gym either through discreet observation of others or via the guidance of some benevolent veteran who can no longer watch you make a fool of yourself. After a while, you yourself acquire veteran status, at which point you provide subtle help to other rookies by sharing such wisdom as "Wet towels go in the basket over there" or "You have to press Start." In the meantine, the best way to conceal your neophyte standing is to keep a low profile, do your workout, and, most important of all, be aware of the top 20 things one should never say at the gym.

1. I don't care what the experts say — I don't believe in drinking a drop of water until at least a full hour after my workout.

2. Is it okay if I just leave my underwear in the locker? I'll almost definitely be back tomorrow.

3. No thanks, my man — spotting is for wimps.

4. Forget what that guy was saying about good form; just swing that weight up no matter what it takes.

5. No, really, my last gym offered complimentary mani-pedis with every workout.

6. Does this gym have any policy outlawing mesh shirts?

7. That guy who can press four plates on either side isn't so tough. And no, I don't care if he is standing right behind me.

8. I like going really fast on the treadmill and then stopping it suddenly to see if I get thrown off the back.

9. Like I always say, if you don't pass out, it isn't a workout.

10. Do you get Skinemax on those TVs?

11. Hey, how about some strip aerobics to spice things up?

12. I'm not saying headbands are in or out — I'm just saying they work for me.

13. You know that dream where you're naked at the gym and everyone else is wearing clothes?

14. I feel strong today — let's skip right past the warm-up and do the whole damn stack.

15. It's boring to read the instructions on a new machine. I bet it works like this.

16. Come on, arch that back! Arch it!

17. I know the teacher said I shouldn't stack my aerobic steps four high, but she doesn't know how coordinated I am.

18. I know you don't offer day care, but is it okay if my one-year-old just plays around the desk for an hour or so while I work out?

19. Excuse me, could you turn up the volume on your iPod? I don't think the people six blocks away can hear it.

20. Nothing completes a good workout like a Big Mac combo.

Have I missed any? Let me know at ij@ijschecter.com.

Beyond Fitness 

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I.J. Schecter
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© I.J. Schecter 2003